To be honest, I think I prefer my translation, particularly the girl's dialogue in the first panel which I think has some weirdness here ("leave it to me" "let's finally make him understand how gross he is"). I like my slightly less literal translation better, although that said, it seems I might have misunderstood the sense of the 4th dialogue bubble ("his thrusting wasn't that good either" vs my interpretation of the literal "last time my back hurt" >> "last time he blew my back out [implicit: I don't want to be the one to fuck him today]"), and also I think I like the artist's version of ota-kun's dialogue better.
Anyways, it's interesting to see something I translated then get an "official" translation form the artist and see what the differences are.